Having a “bad sex life” means different things to different people. Couples who are fumbling in bed and do not communicate well, those who are matched with someone who has a much higher or lower sex drive, or those who do not have sex with their partner at all anymore are some examples.
What are the Causes of a Bad Sex Life?
When you were taught about sex, if you were, it was likely the biological basics and you probably learned that in a sexual education class. No one asked questions in those classes because they were too embarrassed to. If your parents gave you the basics, chances are you were going to get away from the kitchen table as fast as you could.
Movies, magazines, and books influenced your ideas about sex as you were growing up. Everything was portrayed as a perfect romantic encounter in the media you watched and read. Nothing was ever mentioned about the work it takes to keep you and your partner satisfied year after year. Everyone just assumed the magic would happen all by itself.
Limited knowledge and warped perception follows you into adulthood. If you are not open to intimate learning experiences, your sex life will not thrive. One issue is the lack of attention to physical needs. That is a two way street. You cannot expect your partner to know what you want if you do not communicate.
Something else that contributes is the level of comfort in your relationship. You settle into a routine during your day to day lives and your sex life often follows the same predictable pattern. The need to woo your partner is no longer felt because you are already with them. You also may not tell your partner how you feel about them. You have said it all before.
Lack of Emotional Intimacy
If you are in a relationship where sexual expectations are not met, it can drive a wedge between the two of you. A big part of sex is the intimacy it creates. The link between physical and emotional intimacy is undeniable. When your sexual needs do not match those of your partner, that closeness is lost. As a result, you become apathetic and may reach a point where you do not even have sex anymore.
Higher Stress Levels
If you have a bad sex life, your stress level is going to increase. High stress levels contribute to obesity, high blood pressure and depression, which are serious health issues. Higher stress levels mean you are likely to be easily overwhelmed or angered. That can affect your career and the amount of positive interaction you have with your family.
Lack of sexual intimacy has been found to affect health in a few different ways. Doctors doing clinical research have found that people who have had heart attacks indicated a high level of unhappiness with their sex life before the event.
Other clinical studies have found links between sexual fulfillment and the incidence and severity of migraines and premenstrual syndrome. The endorphins released during sex have also been shown to reduce pain in both men and women, even in cases of chronic arthritis.
If you and your partner have very different sexual needs, it can be a difficult road. If you cannot meet in the middle and come up with a system of conscious give and take, resentment on one side or the other will build. You may even get to the point where you are not even communicating about it anymore. That lack of communication will seep into every other aspect of your lives together and impact your relationship in a very negative way.
If your sex life is bad or you and your partner are not having sex much at all, you can feel frustrated, neglected, and angry. These feelings can draw you straight into depression. You may start to ask yourself if the person you love is no longer attracted to you, if you are doing something wrong, or if you are bad in bed. The cycle of depression will further affect your sex life and then becomes a horrible cycle.
Decline of Non-Sexual Intimacy
People have to be touched in order to maintain a healthy psychological state. Once you are no longer touching in bed, it can move into other areas. You may find yourself unable to connect with your partner by touching his or her arm during conversation or have a difficult time communicating with any level of thoughtfulness and kindness.
If your sex life is bad, it is time to light the spark again. That does not mean you should jump right into bed. Take the kids to grandma’s house for the night and spend time reconnecting with your lover. Have a relaxing dinner, curl up on the couch together, and watch a movie.
Let your guard down. If your sex life has been on a steady decline, you may be hurt, angry, or carry resentment. Start communicating with your partner, but do not do so in an accusatory tone. Just talk. Ask them what they need and talk about what you need as well. You should be assertive, but remain sensitive at the same time.
If you feel you cannot communicate effectively with your partner, consider seeing a sex therapist. They have seen and heard everything and can help you get back to a great sex life.